How do I let go of a dream that was my relationship with my ex?

 Going through a divorce is one of the most challenging things you will do in your life, even when done respectfully.  

You are now divorced, and suddenly reality hits. You come home from work, and there is no one to share the highs and lows of the day. You have to do things that your partner used to do and learn again how to do it. You want to go out for dinner, but who do you ask.  Most of your recent friends are people you hung out with as couples.

You will need to make time to grieve.  You have many questions and concerns that working through will help you begin letting go.

Letting Go:

Your expectation that you would stay married until death did not materialize. Your dream of travelling around the world after retirement can not occur in the way you expected. How will you celebrate significant holidays with your adult children? You will have to wait your turn to see them and the grandkids.

There will be times when you feel lonely.  You may even question if the divorce was the best choice.  Often you prefer the devil you know to the devil you don't know. This new single life may feel uncomfortable.   But how to let go of a dream.

You are likely feeling exhausted. You may be wondering what your friends and family think of you.  It is tempting for you to stay home than face the unknown of how others will treat you. Even at work, you feel uncomfortable because you notice people avoiding you. After all, they don't know what to say.

Want to Learn Why Am I So Lonely? I Wanted My Relationship to End & Now I am Miserable? Click Here

Your children live far away and are worried about you.  They call you every day, making sure you are alright. You miss them even more.  You are so careful to make sure you don't put your children in the middle of the divorce. You want them to have good relationships with both of you.

Grieving:

The grieving process will take time. An excellent way to help you move through the process's ups and downs is to keep a journal. If you don't like writing or typing, you can make it an audio journal using your phone.

You can also find ways to express yourself as a tool to help you move through your grief, such as photography, poetry, prose, painting, music, dance, scrapbooking and other creative expressions to release your inner pain. You are beginning to understand how to let go of a dream. An essential part of letting go is to learn to love yourself.

Love Yourself Everyday:

Love yourself by taking care of your body, heart and head.  What do you love to do that can help you?  What are you willing to try?  Activities such as yoga, taichi, meditation, walking, gardening, hiking, skiing are all helpful to ground yourself in your body.

Make an effort to feed yourself good food.  Treat yourself from time to do something that brings you joy and hope.  Maybe you love live theatre, going to a museum, walking in a park, hanging out at the beach.  Remind yourself you are worth it.

Over time you will begin to let go of your relationship and start to be open to something new.  Please don't rush into new relationships; this a time to focus on yourself.

Want to learn 5 Ways to Thrive After a Divorce: How to get the best out of life? Click Here

When you start to feel open to discovering the new chapter of your life, it is time to re-discover what is essential for you. What dreams or life goals have you not fulfilled? What experiences do you want to have?  Have you ever wanted to go back to school?  Are you happy with your current job? To start, choose one thing and make it happen.  You are learning how to let go of a dream.

What Changes do I Need to Make:

What kind of money do you need to make this happen?  Is the income in your current job enough?  How will you divide the responsibility to support your children with your ex if they are in university or need some help buying their first home?

You will need to find civil ways to communicate with your ex if you still have children or young adults to support. It will be much easier for your children and both of you if you can keep it civil and respectful.

Learning to be present in the moment can help you big time.  When you continue to react out of anger from your previous relationship, it will hurt you and everyone around you.

You will continue to be unhappy and have a hard time moving on.  Reconnecting with presence will help you to let go of a dream. The dream being what you hoped for in your previous marriage.

Want to know how to disconnect from a Person? Click Here

Becoming Present:

You can learn to be present by becoming more observant of what is going on inside you.  Look for Body Scan guided meditations on apps such as Insight Timer to help find presence.  You could also do a simple meditation beginning with your feet and notice what you are experiencing as you move up your body.

Whenever you do exercise, notice is what is going on in your body as you do it. Yoga is an excellent combination of stretching and breathing.

As you get more grounded, your heart will open up, inviting you to connect with old and new friends. It will help you to know when you are on the right path.  It will show you the way to finding your purpose and being the best you can be. It will show you how to let go of your dreams.

Whenever you catch yourself stuck in your past relationship, refocus on what you can do at the moment. If you start to fear the future, you need to refocus on the present. It is in the present where you can make a change.

You might create a short mantra to say to yourself when you get stuck in the past or future.  It could be something like I am loveable, or I am worthy of respect, or I am a child of God or whatever works for you. Focus on those words to quiet your mind. You can also use the breath to help you focus on the here and now.

With practice, you will spend increasing amounts of time in the present.  The more you are present, the more meaning, hope, and joy you will experience in life.  You will find your flow.  You will know better what you need.  You will attract people who will bring out the best in you and you in them. 

Get Help:

If you are continuing to struggle, do not be afraid to get professional help. There is no shame in getting help. You can get help from life coaches such as myself, counsellors, psychologists or other therapists. 

Whenever you choose a professional, find a person with whom you feel safe.  You have to find the right fit, or it won't be as effective as it could be.

You will benefit from having friends and family who can support you on the journey. These need to be people you can trust.  These are people who will hold your confidence, keep you accountable for staying on your healing path and loving you no matter what happens.

Healing after divorce does not need to be a lonely journey.  Find your community if you don't have one, and begin this exciting new chapter in your life.  You will know how to let go of a dream so you can start again.

Roland Legge is a Certified Identity Life Coach and a minister in the United Church of Canada in Yorkton, Saskatchewan.  You can join my newsletter for free advice and join my private Facebook Group called "Discover Your Identity"