How to Use the Enneagram to foreshadow the Challenges You'll Have with Your Spouse

The Enneagram is a great tool to help you have a healthier relationship with your spouse.  Ideally, you both need to use this psychological—spiritual tool both individually and together to get the most out of it. 

You always start using the Enneagram for your personal development. The healthier you are will enhance your ability to deal with all the ups and downs of your relationship.

The Enneagram will point out to you your blind spots.  This fantastic tool will help you to rid yourself of old habits and thoughts that no longer serve you. The Enneagram provides you with a map to better physical, emotional, and spiritual health.

Click Here to Learn More About the Enneagram

Your Enneagram type shows you where you are likely going to have your challenges when you are under stress.  The healthier you are emotionally, physically and spiritually the less you will experience these common challenges.

The Enneagram has the very same energy that is in our bodies and the universe. Just because you are a specific type is no predictor of the problems you may have.  It all depends on the health of your three energy centers (head, heart and body).  

Hence the Enneagram is a great tool to help us to know what to watch out for. Our blind spots can appear without our awareness when we are not open and present.

With both your commitment to becoming your best selves, the Enneagram can help you to find a more profound love and intimacy than you could have ever imagined.

If your spouse is not willing to study the Enneagram, you can guess your spouses’ type, but you must hold this information lightly. The only person who can determine your type is yourself. 

If your spouse is open to learning about the Enneagram, this is a good sign that he or she is determined to stay healthy themselves. It is also a sign they are committed to a long term healthy relationship.

All Enneagram types are neither good or bad. They are just different.  Today I am going to focus on the average qualities of each type to point out where you and your partner can get out of balance.

Here are some issues you can watch out for, in yourself, and your partner:

Assertive Types

Assertive types are at high risk to overuse or underuse their head center. They often are sensitive people and to survive they put up a big emotional wall around their heart. Most assertive types are not aware of this happening.

Type Three: (The Achiever)

·         Three’s can get overly focused on their work.

·         Self-care is a challenge for threes.

·         Three’s can be extremely competitive.

·          The three always likes to look good.

·           Three’s are willing to change their behaviour so that they can be successful. The three’s motto is to do whatever it takes to be successful.

·         Three’s can be emotionally detached.

·         It is crucial for the three to be liked and respected.

Threes will flourish when they focus their energy on learning to love themselves and will reveal their vulnerable side.

Type Seven: (The Enthusiast)

·         Sevens, are always, looking for “greener grass.”

·         Seven’s can be excessive at times.

·         Seven’s sometimes have a hard time finishing what they started.

·         Seven’s are easily bored.

·         Seven's always love to have fun.

·         Seven’s often doesn’t want to focus on any challenging issues in their lives.

·         Seven’s often has a hard time committing to anything.

Sevens flourish when they risk slowing down and facing the pain, discomfort and confusion that they try to avoid.

Type Eight: (The Challenger)

·         Eights love to Dominate.

·         Eights at times are aggressive.

·         Eight’s are often confrontational and intimidating.

·         Overly self-sufficient.

·         Eights like to stay in control of their own life.

·         Eight’s can get intoxicated by power.

·         Eights are like a bull in a china shop.

Eights flourish when they risk letting go of control, revealing their big hearts and showing their vulnerable side.

Withdrawn Types

Withdrawn types tend to over or under-use their body centre.  It is easy for people who identify with these types to ignore the needs of their body. They struggle to do self-care.

Type Four: (The Individualist)

·         Four’s are highly emotional and dramatic.

·         Four’s easily gets stuck favourite moods. It is more a thought than a feeling. They get often get their thoughts confused with their emotions.

·         Four’s are often temperamental. It is easy for the four to envy what other people have.

·         If four’s are not careful, they easily stay stuck in their imagination.

·         Sometimes fours are looking for a person to rescue them from their unhappiness.

Fours flourish when they can express their heart through their creativity, through deep friendships and by learning to accept themselves as they are.

Type Five: (The Investigator)

·         It is easy for a five to retreat into their mind.

·         Fives are known for minimalizing their needs.

·         Five have a hard time speaking on topics that are alien to them.

·         Often types fives can be very secretive.

·         Type five’s can be very hard on themselves for not knowing enough.

·         Five ’s can be provocative when under stress.

Fives flourish when they risk sharing their thoughts and ideas with others and pay attention to their bodies.

Type Nine: (The Peacemaker)

·         When nine’s are under stress, they will appease at all cost.  Any form of conflict can feel threatening to them.

·         Nine’s can be overly accommodating.

·         Nine’s like their routines to help them stay calm.

·         Nine’s can be apathetic. Nine’s view the world as though they are not part of it.

·         Nine’s can be stubborn when their peace is threatened.

·         Nine’s under stress they under-value themselves.

Nine’s flourish when they express their interests, desires, hopes and dreams.  Nine’s find their inner strength when they speak their truth.

The Dutiful Types

Dutiful types tend to over or under-use their head centres.  They all suffer from too much activity happening the brain making it hard to connect with the more profound wisdom that is available to them.

Type One: (The Reformer)

·         One’s are overly serious much of the time.

·         Ones feel overly responsible for the problems of the world.

·         One’s can be overly critical of self and others.

·         One’s often come across as judgmental.

·         One’s are often perfectionistic. Ones often feel like a failure if they don’t complete a task correctly.

·         One’s tends to hold their feelings inside them until they burst.

·         One’s come across too many as opinionated.

One’s flourish when they learn to quiet down their inner critic through meditation. One’s find their inner strength when they are touch with their spiritual world.

Type Two: (The Helper)

·         Two’s are often people pleasing.

·         Two’s like to take on the martyr role: Will suffer themselves to help others.

·         Two’s love to rescue people hoping their love for them is reciprocated.

·         Two’s are often seeking approval and asking for permission from others.

·         Two’s will put the well-being of others before their own needs often ignoring their physical, spiritual and emotional health.

Two’s flourish when they can love themselves as much as they love others. Two’s find their inner strength when they take days off just for themselves.

Type Six: (The Loyalist)

·         Sixes are always looking for security.

·         Sixes feel responsible for the well-being of those they care about and depend.

·         Many sixes tend to worry easily escalating into anxiety.

·         Sixes, not only doubt others, but they question themselves.

·         Sixes, always prepared for whatever happens.

·         Sixes, tends to be stubborn and sarcastic.

Sixes flourish when they learn to trust themselves. Six’s find their inner strength through meditation,  helping them to get in touch with the courage that is deep within themselves.

Remember these are the challenging sides of all nine personalities.  Each type brings forth excellent gifts.  As you both get healthier in your three energy centers, you will experience greater happiness in your relationship.

Also, it is good to remember that there is nothing wrong with you. You are not defective. You and your partner do not need fixing.  You do need to learn to allow your inner selves shine. 

The best way to help your partner is to be healthy yourself.  If you can do this work together, you need to learn how to communicate in compassionate ways to raise issues.  It is important to let each other know when you are making progress no matter how small or big the improvement is. Click Here to Learn More Way to Improve Your Relationship

This work should never be about labelling another person.  The Enneagram should never be used as a weapon.  So be generous and kind to each other.

When you express concerns about your partners, remember to use the “I Statement.”  Take ownership of your own experience.  E.g. I felt hurt when you spent all your time with my best friends last night and ignored me.

You likely will not see all these issues, in yourself or partner, because it all depends on your level of health.

The last reminder is that the only person you can change is yourself.  Systems Theory shows us that the best way to make a change in any group or organization is by changing your behaviour.

The more I learned about the nine types I began to have not only compassion for myself but all the people in my life.  The Enneagram gives us a glimpse of the inner world in each of us. No matter who we are, living is never as comfortable as it looks.

Roland Legge can help you and your partner to have a beautiful, intimate relationship through helping you both to free yourselves from all that interferes in your lives. To learn more about yourself and each other sign up for Fall 2018 Workshops: Click Here