6 Signs that it is time to end your relationship

Most relationships begin well. When you are first in love, everything your beloved does is fantastic, cute and endearing. They can do no wrong.

As you move beyond the honeymoon phase, the blinder comes off your eyes, and you see your partner for they are.

Little habits of your partner start to annoy you. Maybe they never pick up their clothes off the floor. They never follow through on what they promise to do.  You are feeling more and more annoyed. You start to notice behaviours that disturb you.

You ask yourself, is this the person you want to bond with? Is it worth your effort to see if you can make this relationship work?

Do the concerns seem minor compared to the benefits.  Do you still want to see this man or woman every day?  Do you feel like the most important person in the world when you are with them? 

If you want to give your relationship a fair chance to grow, you need to invest time in the union. Make sure you have time every day to check in with each other. Create a safe space to share whatever is going on in your lives.

If you do run into problems, don't be afraid to ask for help, whether that be a religious leader, friend, family member or professional coach or counsellor.

If, after all this work, you are still having doubts about the relationships, here are six signs, when taken together, that it is probably time to end your relationship.

1.      Conflict

Conflict is a normal part of life.  Conflict happens between two or more people who passionately disagree with each other.

If you are in a healthy relationship, you will be able to work through your differences of opinion. You will be able to listen to each other, explore different options and use your curiosity to find a third way.  Finding your middle ground will help you to find a way to move forward as a couple, or family.

Conflict only becomes a problem when it is not acknowledged and respected.  If you are in a relationship where differences of opinion turn quickly into aggression, then you have a severe problem.

Both of you in your relationship need to be willing to find the middle ground.

Any healthy relationship requires a willingness for both people to take the time to listen to each other.  For this to work, it requires love, grace, kindness, honesty and forgiveness of self and your partner.

If your partner is not willing to work through conflict in a positive way, then you need to question if your relationship is worth continuing.

If your partner is turning into a bully, then you need to end the relationship immediately.

2.      Safety

Any healthy relationship requires emotional, physical and mental safety.  Ask yourself if you feel safe to be dating this person?

Here are some signs that should get your attention?  Do you have to defend yourself constantly?  Are you always being blamed for your partner's problems?  Do you feel like you are walking around on eggshells? 

You deserve to be safe.  In a good relationship, you will be encouraged by your partner to be your best. He or she will support you as you follow your dreams.  Over time you will share all the ups and downs of life. 

When you are in your home together, you feel at ease. Your relationship will feel like a sanctuary from the craziness of life. You will be able to share what is your mind.  You won't have to worry about saying the wrong thing.

It is normal to go through difficult times in a relationship. In a healthy relationship, you will have had good times reminding you that your relationship has the potential to reignite with love.

However, if your relationship has been going downhill for months, and your partner is not willing to go for help, then it is time to end your relationship.

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3.      Blaming:

Blaming another person never gets you moving in a positive direction. If your partner is continually blaming you for everything going wrong in your relationship, then you have a problem. 

Remember, the only person you can change is yourself. You can not change anyone else.  The more you try, the more your boyfriend or girlfriend will resist. If they do change, it won't likely last for long.

If your partner is not willing to take responsibility for their issues, then you have a serious problem.   You can only invite your partner to change.  Sometimes in the interest of your mental, physical and emotional health, you will need to end a relationship. 

If a friend or family member expresses concern about your relationship, pay attention.  It is easy for you or anyone else to get caught in a destructive relationship.  Over time you start to believe in all the negative things your partner is saying to you.  

If you don't know what to do, go for the professional help from a counsellor, psychologist or coach.  Asking for help is a sign of strength.

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4.      Lack of Trust:

Any good relationship requires trust.  If your boyfriend is becoming jealous of you having male friends, this is a red flag. If you do not trust your partner, you should not be in the relationship.

What does trust mean? Trust is about believing your partner will make you the most significant person in their life,  follow through on what they promise, and bring out the best in you.  Most importantly, your partner can be a safe person to share your questions, fears, hopes and dreams without fear of being judged.

Trust happens when you invest time in your relationship and practice excellent communication.  You practice excellent communication when you:

·         Make time and space to share what each of you values

·         Paraphrase what your partner is telling you to make sure you hear each other correctly.

·         Take full responsibility for what you say by using "I" statements.

·         Check the stories you are telling yourself about your partner to see if they are real.

·         When you work through differences of opinion, find a time and place when you have time, a calm mind and a willingness to see beyond your disagreement.

5.      You don't share the same values

Your values are essential.  You are more likely going to have a good relationship if you share some core values.  You need some shared values to help you bond as a couple.

Maybe you share values such as equality between men and women, human rights and free speech?

You don't have to believe everything the same.  Too much sameness would make your relationship boring. However, you need to be at least respectful of your partner having some different beliefs.

For example, if your value is, women are equal to men, and your partner thinks he should be the head of the household, then you are going to have problems.

If you come from different faith backgrounds, you still share the value that faith and spirituality are both necessary to you both in life.

 You will need to decide how you can support each other in your different faith communities. If you choose to have children, you need to think about how you are going to raise your children in a way that is respectful of both your religious and spiritual views.

If you are always arguing with each other, this is a sign that you don't have enough core values in common. When you don't have enough core values, this is a sign that your relationship may need to end.

6.      You can not imagine a future with him or her

After some time, the excitement of the new relationship will wear off.  You start to see your partner for who they really and you don't like what you see.

You might want first to check to see if this is a pattern with yourself.  If this is the pattern, your ego is sabotaging your relationships every time you start to get close.  If this is true, you might want to get some professional help.

If you pay attention to your inner world, you will know the difference between hiding from intimacy and the recognition that you are in a destructive relationship.

If you cannot imagine a future with this man or woman, then this is a sign that you need to end the relationship. The longer you put off finishing the relationship, the more difficult it is going to be to leave the union.

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Do you relate to these signs?  Is it time to end your relationship? If you are experiencing all six of these signs, you either need to get help for you and your partner or leave.

When your relationship descends into severe dysfunction, you will need help to get out of it. If you decide to leave, you would be wise to still get professional help to process what happened.

If you do not resolve the issues that got you into the relationship in the first place, you are likely going to repeat the same narrative with a different person.

When a relationship ends, this is an excellent time to reflect on what is essential for you in a relationship.

How desperate are you to be in a relationship? Maybe you first need to have a healthy relationship with yourself.

At the end of a relationship is an excellent time to ask yourself, how do you want to be treated. What values do you need in your partner?  Do you want children? How do you want to share power?  What does equality mean for you?

No relationship is indeed perfect. However, in the long run, it needs to be a relationship that feels comfortable, safe, honest and nurturing.

If you are miserable in your relationship, then it is time to do something different.  If you still have hope get some professional help separately and together.  If your partner can not be bothered, then it is time to end your relationship.

I am Roland Legge, an Identity Coach here to help you outsmart your inner critic.  You can access your Free Online Enneagram Test: Click Here.  Please join me in conversation on my Facebook Page: Click Here