Now That Your Divorce Is Over, What Are You Looking For In A Relationship?

Your divorce is over, and you are wondering if you are ready to begin a new relationship.  It is never wise to jump into a new relationship quickly.  If you are honest with yourself, you will know when you are ready.

This in-between time is an excellent opportunity to reflect on this question:  what are you looking for in a relationship? Take the time to learn from past relationships to clarify what you need and what would be nice.

Here are eight questions to ask yourself to help you name what you need in a relationship:

1.      Shared Values:

What are you looking for in a relationship? You will find it essential to have shared values.

You might believe that men and women should be equal in all aspects of life.  You might expect your partner to share in the raising of children fully.  If these are important for you, then you must find a partner with the same beliefs.

You might believe that you have an equal say in how the money gets spent.   If you are more liberal in your beliefs about the roles of women and men, find a person with the same perspective.

If you have a more traditional understanding of how men and women should relate, you will want to find a partner who is comfortable with this perspective. You will annoy each other because of the different ways you view the world.

What about children. If you both want children, how do you want to raise them? Can you come up with a plan that will work for you both?

Do not be afraid to ask hard questions. Your honesty towards each other will give your relationship a strong beginning.

2.      Respect:

What are you looking for in a relationship? You need a person who will respect you for who you are.  You don’t want someone who wants to mould you into their dream partner.  If they don’t love the person you are today, then this is not the right person.

You need a person who will respect you for having different opinions. You will benefit from having a partner that is just as willing as you to find win-win solutions to problems between you.

If your partner respects you, they will do everything to bring out the best in you. If you appreciate your partner, you will not try to change them.

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3.      Shared Interest’s

A good partnership requires meaningful time with each other. It would help if you had activities you could enjoy together, such as sports, theatre, exercise, music, travel, pets, children, and hobbies.  

It is good to have your interests, but you need to have enough in common to build a healthy relationship together.

If you are part of a religious community, how important is it for your partner to be an active part of this community?

4.      Self Awareness:

What are you looking for in a relationship? You can’t have a positive relationship unless you and your partner have self-awareness.

A healthy relationship requires two healthy people.  To be healthy, you both need to be self-aware.  Self-awareness comes out of observing yourself in action. It is learning how your behaviour impacts others.

You will benefit from knowing what your strengths are and what you need to improve on.

You both need to take one hundred percent responsibility for your behaviours. Are you both prepared to go for couples coaching or counselling if you are struggling in your relationship?

5.      Willingness to grow:

Problems arise when one person in the couple does not do their work.  One day you will wake up and realize you have nothing in common with your partner.

You will have the best relationship when you encourage each other to keep growing in all aspects of life and share that journey with the one you love.  Encouraging each other to keep growing will help you keep your relationship strong for the rest of your lives.

6.      Trust:

You will be in trouble from the start if you do not trust your partner.  For example, it is more common to have friends of the opposite sex in the heterosexual community. If you can’t trust your partner to be with another woman or man, your relationship will be at risk.

With sexual and gender diversity, you need to trust that your partner will have healthy boundaries with any friend regardless of gender or sexual orientation.

If you can’t trust, you either are with the wrong person or insecure yourself.

So what are you looking for in a relationship?  Trust is essential for a healthy relationship.

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7.      Communication Skills:

In any relationship, you need excellent communication skills.  It is so easy to miscommunicate.  Here are some basic skills.

When you talk to your partner, make sure you have their full attention. Ask them what they heard you say to make sure they heard you correctly.

When expressing any concern, use “I” statements, taking full responsibility for what you are saying. No one can disagree with you when you speak from your own experience.

Suppose you have a conflict. Take some time to calm down before you try to resolve the dispute. Look for ways to come up with a win-win solution.

What are you looking for in a relationship?  You and your partner need excellent communication skills.

8.      Vulnerability:

Any good relationship requires vulnerability.  A long-term healthy relationship requires you to be honest with yourself and your partner.  Do not be afraid to express your fears, insecurities and irrational thoughts.

If you feel insecure with your partner, make time to have an honest conversation on what is bothering you. You will often find that your worries are all in your imagination.  When you discover serious problems, you can seek out professional help to get you through the storm.

Showing vulnerability reminds you and I that we are all imperfect.  When we can recognize and admit our imperfections, we are ripe for personal growth.

You have the opportunity now to begin the next chapter of your life after your divorce.

Starting the next chapter of your life is a great time to reflect upon what you need in future relationships. Also, this is the perfect time to reflect upon what kind of personal/spiritual work you need to be doing to get healthier.

Find the courage, to be honest with yourself.  If you can’t answer this question: What are you looking for in a relationship, you are in trouble.  

 Is the person you think you are in love with the right person for you?  Answering these eight questions will help you to know.

The healthier you get, the more likely you are to attract a healthy person.

Roland Legge can help you discern what you need in future relationships.  Roland Legge is a Certified Identity Life Coach and a minister in the United Church of Canada in Yorkton, Saskatchewan.  You can join my newsletter for free advice and get your free E-book and sign up for Your 30 Minute Discovery Call at no charge