What is the Hardest Enneagram Type to Love?
/Some might say Enneagram Type Eight, the Challenger, is the hardest Enneagram type to love. At their average levels, the Challenger can be forceful and aggressive. They assert control over themselves and others. They will push even harder whenever they feel someone is trying to hold them back. Eights can be intimidating because they say whatever is on their mind. They don't care what other people think of them.
Eights feel vulnerable. Most people don't realize they are big-hearted people. Unfortunately, as a way to survive, they close their hearts down because they believe it is unsafe to be weak and vulnerable.
Average eights will hide their true feelings and expect people to try and control them. This wound sets up an in-balance of power, making it difficult for the couple to communicate and resolve conflict. The eight is always ready for battle, increasing the potential for severe conflict or the silencing of the non-eight partner. Is this type the hardest Enneagram type for you to love?
All Types are Capable of Loving
The good news is that all nine Enneagram types are equally capable of loving. With a type eight partner, it might be more obvious. However, if you have a healthy type eight, they can be open, loving, compassionate and vulnerable. It might take them longer to trust, but when they do, they can be one of the most attentive, caring partners you could ask for in life. What is, for you, the hardest Enneagram type to love?
Eights are in relationships at their best when they are loyal, caring, positive, playful, truthful, straightforward, committed, generous and supportive.
In relationships, combinations of any type can work well if you are both healthy. You are healthy when you don't over-identify with your type (ego).
The Levels of Integration
Learning about the integration levels can help you see how all types have strengths and weaknesses in their ability to love. You can have a fantastic relationship with any type, even if you are the same if you are both healthy.
Don Riso and Russ Hudson came up with the levels of integration. The top level is called healthy. When you are in this range (Levels 1,2, and 3), you have enough sense of your true self to see you are more than the limitations of your type.
The next three levels are the average levels (Levels 4, 5 and 6), where most of us reside. In this group, you get caught up in your ego and begin to forget who you are. What is, for you, the hardest Enneagram type to love?
The lower levels are called unhealthy, where you start seeing mental problems and mental illness (Levels 7, 8 and 9). Getting coached is not enough at this place, and you will need psychological help.
You are most likely in the healthy to average levels because people in the lowest three levels have no idea they need help.
The bottom line in any relationship is that you will do well if you take responsibility for yourself and remain open to working through your issues as a couple. There is no such thing as a hardest Enneagram type to love.
The strengths and weaknesses of all nine types can impact your relationship. I will not be focussing on people at the lower levels because it is unlikely they will be reading this article.
Want to Learn Which Enneagram Types Get Along the Best (And The Worst)? Click Here
Identifying the relationship's strengths and weaknesses of the Nine Types
1. Enneagram Type One: The Reformer
a. Strengths
Trustworthy
Devoted
Dependable
Supportive
b. Weaknesses
Critical
Argumentative
Perfectionistic
Inflexible
2. Enneagram Type Two: The Helper
a. Strengths
Generous
Caring
Helpful
Nurturing
b. Weaknesses
Jealous
Manipulating
Attention seeker
Demanding
3. Enneagram Type Three: The Achiever
a. Strengths
Playful
Creative
Responsible
Generous
b. Weaknesses
Self-centred
Defensive attitude
Impatient
Misleading
4. Enneagram Type Four: The Individualist
a. Strengths
Genuine
Seek authentic relationships
Caring
Self-Revealing
b. Weaknesses
Moody
Self-absorbed
Negative
Self-righteous
5. Enneagram Type Five: The Investigator
a. Strengths
Curious
Sense of humour
Open Minded
Self Sufficient
b. Weaknesses
Provocative
Skeptical
Withdrawn
·Pessimistic
6. Enneagram Type Six: The Loyalist
a. Strengths
Protective
Courageous
Loyal
Reliable
b. Weaknesses
Worried
Anxious
Skeptical
Sarcastic
Want to Discover 11 Signs that you are in a good Relationship? Click Here
7. Enneagram Type Seven: The Enthusiast
a. Strengths
Adventurous
Playful
Giving
Light-hearted
b. Weaknesses
Selfish
Defensive
Preoccupied
Blinkered
8. Enneagram Type Eight: The Challenger
a. Strengths
Big-hearted
Energetic
Caring
Truthful
b. Weaknesses
Demanding
Condescending
Domineering
Unbending
9. Enneagram Type Nine: The Peacemaker
a. Strengths
Understanding
Kind-hearted
Peaceful
Encouraging
b. Weaknesses
Passive-aggressive
Overly accommodating
Defensive attitude
Tenacious
You have all nine types within you
No type is better or worse than another person. Once you know your primary type, you will see what you need to do your work. If you want a healthy relationship, start with yourself. At each time in your life you will find your hardest Enneagram type to love.
Ideally, in any relationship, you will both be doing your work. As well as doing your work, it is essential to do your couple's work.
If you are feeling stuck, do not be afraid to get help. The Enneagram can help you to notice when you are getting stuck in your personality and offer a path to liberation. However, it can be difficult to do yourself because you are blind to how others are experiencing you.
You can create a beautiful, loving relationship with love, commitment, and dedication.
All of us have equal capacity to love each other. Here are some questions to reflect on how much mastery you have over your ego.
Here are nine questions you might want to ask yourself:
1. Are you overcritical of yourself and the person you love?
2. Do you think you have to earn your partner's love?
3. Are you more concerned with your image than the person you love?
4. Do you focus more on what is not going well in your relationship than what is going well?
5. Do you avoid telling what is going on in your life because you fear looking stupid?
6. Are you afraid of what might happen and don't trust your inner knowing?
7. Do you overbook your life because you fear that you might be missing out on something fun?
8. Do people tell you that you are intimidating?
9. Do you have difficulty letting yourself and others know what you want?
If any of these questions bring up some familiar issues for you suggests that you have some more work to do. The reality is that we all have work to do.
When you date someone new, take the time to see if you are both willing to do the individual and couple’s work to keep your relationship strong. When you are not healthy, your personality can become a hard Enneagram type to love.
The Enneagram Can Enhance your Relationship
The Enneagram, along with coaching, can help you to have the best relationship possible. If your new partner isn't ready to do their work, this is probably not the best person for you. Remember that when you are not grounded, you become the hardest Enneagram type to love for another person.
We all can love another person. When we learn to be present in our bodies, hearts and heads, we will have full access to our hearts, making it possible to love another person entirely.
Roland Legge can help you to strengthen your capacity to love others. Roland Legge is a Certified Spiritual Life Coach and a minister in the United Church of Canada in Yorkton, Saskatchewan. You can join my newsletter for free advice, get your free E-book, and sign up for a Discovery Call that will include a mini-coaching session at no charge
